Forgivness

Brent and I first started looking for some help working through some marriage things about 3 years ago, We started by seeking out a pastor at a very prominent local church.
When we walked into his office he didn't even ask our names. when we started telling our story, he stopped me and simple asked, "have you forgiven him?" I remember thinking how to answer that...I said "well I forgive him for it and then he does it again and then I forgive him and he does it again." He said well you haven't forgiven Him yet, he then gave me a piece of paper with a prayer about forgiveness and gave Brent a book to read, then said he couldn't help us until we did these things(his words were don't even call me until you have done these things). we gave him our email address and phone numbers and that visit was the last we heard from him....I have always been a little angry and frustrated at the way it was handled. Do I need to forgive my husband? YES! but was that really what you tell a hurting person? as if forgiveness comes so naturally to human nature, if it did nobody would need counselors. In the last 3 years (and with the help of true believers, who desire to see reconciliation among couples) I understand more about forgiveness. I read this blog post the other day from one of my favorite blogs, here. The title to me is so appropriate, "The most expensive gift I ever gave" because well it pretty much was.

Once we come to a realization of how broken and messed up we are it's much easier to give Grace to people. I don't think you can tell someone to just forgive if they don't understand forgiveness. For me in my marriage what should have been explained to me was to Forgive, but when new hurt comes don't bring up the old. Deal with the new hurt and the forgiveness and grace that comes with that situation.

To bring up all the past times he did this particular thing was making him feel as though he couldn't separate from his past mistakes no matter how hard he tried. Forgiveness and trust are two different things though. I think too many times we get them mixed up and think that forgiveness has to be earned and it should be a gift, building back trust does take time and has to be earned....

anyway if you haven't yet, go read that post!

Abby

Big Decisions

Well here we are the week of a HUGE decision....up until this moment right now I just assumed it was something we needed to do, something we needed to decide so that we wouldn't have any more kids. Brent and I from the beginning talked about our dreams of having 4 kids and I always wanted 1 girl.....Our family feels complete. Why then am i sad? I mean we are going to be REAL responsible adults and move past the baby stage and on to other things. After this Friday having another baby will be nearly impossible, why do I hate final decisions so much?? I haven't even prayed about it, I think I'm doing it to make those around me happy to show them that we can be responsible....but the truth is it is mine and Brent's decision. I'm not really sure money is the reason to not have a child, we cant even afford the 4 we have....these are all the questions that are flooding my mind right now. At this point our kids are going to have to work their way through college anyway. I don't think I want one more, but I am getting nervous that I can't come back later when my last is turning 3 and I'm turning 30 that I can't go there and say do I want another one? The doctor even seemed shocked that we would make this decision at 27 and 30...I LOVE the baby stage, I love my children. Society says that 2 children is enough, even that one of each is perfect.....why should I let that influence such a big decision?

I'm laughing that I'm even thinking of 5 kids.....I don't want 5 and am not sure there I ever do want 5, just not sure I like knowing we can't change our minds later.

Brent works very hard to provide for our family, and I also have a college degree and could go to work if I needed to when the kids are a little bit older....We aren't on welfare, we are homeowners and have 2 cars and no car payments. If people aren't helping take care of our kids then it should just be what Brent and I want.


anyway Brent is going through with this on Friday
Is it time to move out of the diaper phase and into the school phase?
I really feel like I should have prayed about this, I know I should have.

these are just my thoughts, carry on...haha

Awkward moments

How do you show your anger? I'm curious to know...

I started this Blog for a silly reason, but Love writing now!
I feel as though most of my life I have been put in a mold...
Abby she is so SWEET, Doesn't have a mean bone in her body. Therefore I feel like "MOST" of my life people have translated that to "you can walk over her, she can't be offended, she has no opinion, will ALWAYS be loyal."
While I get that those aren't all that bad of qualities, I felt like it emotionally raped me at times... (it means that someone goes in and tells me how I should feel at a situation).

back to how we express anger...
At our group last night I got angry/offended at something someone said, and started crying when I start to tell them I am angry.
I cry hot tears when I'm angry, I hate that about me.....WHY can't I just calmly tell you that you pissed me off?? And I had the floor for about 20 minutes, all eyes on me as I cry and look down...I have never wanted out of somewhere so bad! If I could have just got up and gone home and not looked bad I SO would have.
I got a lot of pats on the back and "I'm so sorry your hurting" on the way out....as I though about it on the way home I really don't think I'm hurting, I just am so terrible at telling someone that I'm upset with them. The more I cry because I'm mad the more mad(at myself) I get that I can't stop crying and it is a downward snowball....
I know when I feel like that, what I need is not one more hug, but to go sit somewhere and talk to my God about it. He is the best at shedding light on my true feeling in a situation.

They would prob say that the comment sent me to a bad place, took me back somewhere that hurt in my past.....but I'm not sure I think that happened here. I think I was overcome with pride and ANGRY that the comment that was made (I thought, we are all good now) to make me feel stupid....Did it make me feel stupid?? Maybe, but I really think I'm to prideful for it to make me feel stupid, I was mad that I felt like someone's intentions were to make me feel stupid...I don't know, I thought about it on my way home, talked to Brent about it on my way home, and talked to God about it later.

I'm usually pretty good at pin-pointing my feelings on something...I have conversations with myself A LOT! lol...I'm Crazy.

This is me showing you that I am {this} far from cracking up:)

So this blog was a "heads up" if you will that Abby is breaking the mold and working on becoming the bold person that Christ intended for me, BUT that doesn't do me any good if I don't act like that in person, If I still hide my true feelings when I talk to you face to face. SO I guess last nights group was a painful reminder that I'm not there yet. plain and simple. But I'm going to pick myself up, dust off the pride and continue to stumble toward the TRUTH that He who began a good work in me WILL complete it.

Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (NIV)

Abbs*

Counseling workshop

I remember when Brent and I first started to go to counseling for some problems we had, I walked into the office thinking....when we get Brent fixed, we will be set. (I know ARROGANT, right? Don't Judge) It took a couple of sessions for me to see my crap, but when I did....WOW let's just say I was a little depressed and sad for the days following. Don't ask God to show you your heart unless you are ready, I felt so evil and realized I had so many problems, my heart can be so wicked without the presence of the Holy Spirit. I have learned to take every thought captive, no matter how small it seems and ask myself why I feel that way, and is it going to lead to a path of destruction or the ME God created me to be? Paul tells us to do that in 1 Corinthians 10:5, and I think it works great in EVERYTHING from Gossip to Lust.
We have been meeting with this couple weekly since August and as of January we meet with 4 couples weekly to share life together and our struggles. It has been the best thing for us...a lifeline, if you will:)

They have helped me to see so much of myself, and how my reactions can make or break a situation. I have learned to Love, encourage, and respect even when I don't feel like it. I have applied so much of this information into motherhood, and I try so hard to make sure my boys know that their emotions and feelings are valid no matter how silly they sound to me.

We have the opportunity this week to go to a couple's intensive...we are heading out Thursday night to head up to a camp where we will spend the weekend with about 5 couples I have never met, sharing ourselves, and encouraging one another....I am excited about meeting couples who want to be honest and transparent with themselves, but I ABSOLUTELY hate spontaneous things, not knowing what to expect....I'm picturing relay races, and stupid "get to know you" games, WEIRD!? I know I'm twisted in the head...I know it will probably be awesome, and Brent and I will come back closer than we are now, but DANG...I wish I knew these people already! Living life outside my comfort zone is the best thing for me, but I have to fight the urge to dig my heels and and go kicking and screaming...LOL I know I'm silly!

anywho, at least the sack races might be fun, or the sword drills...JK
Well I've rambled enough...
by the way Gage had his first peep...STICKY fingers!

From Drop Box

Enjoy your weekend
Abbs*

Opposites Attract

my Mainiac husband (I'm not being mean he was born in the Lobster state) has always been the popular sporty athletic (also known as JOCK!) type, I have never cared much for the sports, I have always cared for the arts (music, reading, painting). I was the wallflower in HS, still am at times. Our WHOLE marriage we have struggled with finding things we ACTUALLY LOVE to do together, not just do out of love for the other. I love garage sailing(I know I spell it wrong, that's part of the fun, people!), thrifty deal, and whole in the wall coffeshops. He loves running, working out, and video games....EWW:)

Anywhos it was a HUGE surprise when we created something beautiful (besides our beautiful chirren)!!
the Farmhouse bed is available at Pottery Barn for $1449.00

We found the COMPLETE diections with shopping list included at Ana_White's website
We paid $350 for the wood and materials....
and I'm going to show you the pics, BUT want you to know these were taken before I had the new camera!
the headboard

the headboard again (that stupid headboard is what was tough, the dimensions she gave were off, but by reading the comments below the directions after we finished we were able to see what we should have done differently)

Headboard completed

Almost finished!

One coat of stain....I think I'll paint from now on, thank you!

the bed before we built the canopy on top, we had to wait on some Brackets to get in...I'm well aware that the paint color in our room really clashes with, well everything else in the room (I'm painting it this week)

The finished Bed!

We love it, its a great place for Saturday morning cartoons!

On a side note, I stumbled on drawer liners at Ace for $2...

And this is currently what I'm working on...I know the fabric is hideous, but for $20, you will just have to wait and see:)

So Brent and I have decide that we LOVE, and I mean LOVE building things together! I think we have quite a few pieces of furniture and maybe another baby left to create! we will see....

By the way my Mother in law is on her way here today all the way from Maine(She is flying because if she drove it would be 27 hours) the boys are VERY excited to see Grammy!
Grammy, fly safe!

I hope everyone has a GREAT Friday!
Abbs*

Psalms 127:3-5....The Joy of Arrows

I am constantly reminded being a stay at home mom is such a blessing.
It might be difficult at times and times when I wish I could get a break.....But then I see moments like these and I am reminded that kids can really bring a joy to life that you can't get anywhere else. They can teach you so much about the goodness of God through innocent eyes nd they can teach you so much about yourself:)
I will wish for these days back when they are grown....The days full of bath times, reading, the imaginary world.

The days with HUGE perspective...(for those of you who didn't get this perspective joke, this picture is a little toy truck full of gumballs, those prickly things that fall off the trees)....Carry on.

My boys make me so HAPPY, I pray that I will always have perspective.
I'm linking up to


Abbs*

On a Serious Note...

Let me talk about something that is on the rise in our generation and the ones to come and is tearing marriages apart.....
Pornography.
It is prevalent among the church and I think too many times men (women do it too) tell their wives that it is a struggle (the ones that actually DO tell their wives)
but that it is NORMAL, It doesn't have to be!
Ask them how they would feel if it were you doing the lusting on the computer, would they take the cop out that it is normal??

Ladies THAT should make your angry, if it doesn't then YOU are letting your husband DEVALUE you!
I get angry just thinking about you not letting it upset you!
It IS adultery, and it is a defiling of the marriage bed.

Matthew 5:28- But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

You CANNOT have true intimacy without putting this kind of sexual sin to death, (trying to keep it under control by yourself, does not count)

Hebrew 13:4-Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

I personally think that is is sick how many men will tell their wives that it is normal among men and that you (women) don't understand that because you were wired different...
Let me tell you we were BOTH wired for sex, Men DO NOT need it.
Where is that in the bible??? You won't find it....so quit buying into it!
If your read any of Song Of Solomon, you can quickly understand that they were BOTH desiring it.

The more men spread that sex is their need, like food, they WILL take it as their right....and If you don't give them their "Need/right" they WILL go elsewhere for it (porn, masturbation, and then possibly to another woman.)
The more that women are told that they aren't wired for it, the more they won't care for it.

Truth is that at one point in time this was not a struggle with all men, but over time men tell each other that and guess what...BAM it is a struggle. With their own mouths they are giving themselves an excuse to defile what should be holy and pure.

Ladies, DO NOT just assume that your husband is above this. Be honest and ask him, or watch for the signs.

Signs can be, but not limited to:
late night on computer after you go to bed
getting angry when you tell them no (regarding sex)
and the biggest!
the history being deleted from your computer regularly...


You can get help for this, your marriage can be saved. Don't settle when your husband says, "I'm trying to quit", or "All my guy friends struggle with it, it's completely normal".....That is exactly what the father of lies wants you to believe.
Get help!
You can get a program on your computer called Covenant Eyes, that will send a daily report to someone of the sights being visited
DO NOT ask to have these sent to you....that is WAY to much emotional stress that a wife does not need, It is not your Job to police them.
Let Godly guys that choose to walk recovery together keep him accountable for these things.

If you need to talk to someone you can learn more by going to the Route1520 website located under me favorites.
PLEASE don't hesitate, your feelings are valid and you are a precious Jewel to God and deserve to be treated like that.
If you are dealing with your husband going outside the relationship to another woman, check out Lyryn's story
This is a marriage that is seeking help for their problems.
If you need to talk to her I'm sure she would listen and offer advice and encouragement.

P.S. Do NOT shame your husband though! it will make him run faster to his addiction....after all shame drives addiction.

Seek help, especially if you have children....They desperately need an example of what God intended the marriage bed to be like.....PURE.
They need you model what it means to keep yourself pure.

If this is left unaddressed it could possible lead to actual sex with another woman...because this like any other drug will numb you and you WILL need more and more just like any other addict.
Any addict will tell you they have control of it, until they try to stop.

I am here if you need someone to talk to...


I hope that you will get help if it is needed, put it to DEATH, because It IS death to a marriage.

(If you want to talk personally, feel free to email me at alpardue@liberty.edu)

Love you all,
Abbs

hmm...

Well I'm sitting here on the sofa, enjoying a very relaxing drink....
while my amazing, wonderful husband cleans the entire kitchen from the dinner that I made. I'm so in love with him, NOBODY can make me laugh like he can!
He is truly my best friend.
Okay, so what do you blog people do when you have brain block? I'm stuck....one would think that with a 4, 2, and an 8mth old around the topics would be endless...NOPE!
I read a chapter in my book today, and while it was good, I didn't read anything that God really impressed on my heart. On another note I have been getting so many ideas of what I want to do in my room, I'm so excited.
Can't WAIT to share them!
Now is not the time though...

OOOH I did forget to tell about the camera! Brent is going to buy me a camera for my birthday (there goes my birthday present for the next 5 years), I'm so very excited though! I've finally picked it out, it's a Cannon Digit SLR and a 18-50mm F/1.8 lens! Not excited about the price, but HEY...your kids only grow up once right??
I'm excited about capturing the boys in all of their boyhood outside this spring.
speaking of boys....Cole brought in two earthworms this weekend and said "can I have these? Daddy said I could have them, they are so cute!" as the saying goes....Boys are like snails and puppy dog tails. I have my work cut out for me!


Goodnight all,
Abbs*

Our Haven

I finally found pictures of the kind of bedroom "sanctuary" I want to have.
Go here to see the pictures.
(You can check out this creative chic, in my list under Ashleyannphotography)

Brent and I have been through a lot of stuff in just the short 5 1/2 years we have been married...maybe one day I will talk more about "our" story, but for now I'm keeping it separate because I don't want to tell his story. I really want our bedroom to tell our love story. I love these pictures of this room because it's so cozy.I want it to be a place where we will find comfort and safety together. Our walls have been bare since we moved in because I just haven't decided what to put on them, and I didn't want to buy anything because I'm cheap until I found the perfect idea. Well....the long wait is over!
I Love the way this room is a reminder of where they have been and where they are going.
Instead of having a very well put together expensive room, I would rather have a room that is full of memories like this one is.

Now I just need to talk Brent into helping me find Chicken wire;)
When Brent and I celebrated our one year anniversary of dating I gave him a scrapbook I made for him....That book is somewhere in a box downstairs, so why wouldn't I put those pages on a wall along with other things that remind me of him.

anyway, what are you creative thoughts on making a room about you?

Abbs*

Self Recovery

Since sometime around august I would say I've been in recovery for codependency. Brent and I have been seeing a couple weekly to help us learn more about ourselves.
Most people would say they aren't codependent, but I think we suppress our true feelings so often that we don't even realize how unhappy we are and how freeing it can be to be able to take control of your feelings and learn to say NO.
Codependency is the need to help someone, basically your addicted to feeling needed.
Some people tend to think this is an excuse to be selfish.....but it's not. Co dependence is a disease of reversed focus-it is about focusing outside of ourselves for self-definition and self-worth. We should be focused on God for our self worth, not people. I'm learning to set boundaries in my life.

This is a great book to learn what Codependency is:

and this book is great for understanding how to break free from it.

About the book:
Christians focus so much on being loving and unselfish that they forget their own limits and limitations. When confronted with their lack of boundaries, they ask: Can I set limits and still be a loving person? What are legitimate boundaries? What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy or money? Aren't boundaries selfish? Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?

I have become so sick of the hearing the term codependent, but that doesn't change the fact that the problem is real and rampant among relationships and marriages.
It's more about learning to undersrtand Gods best for you as a person.

One of the blogs I follow (here) is great for this recovery, check it out if you think you might struggle with this.

Abby

hope to hold on to...

I'm really hoping this writing will help me. I have always had a love for reading, and have a knack for speed reading. When I was younger I use to go to the bookstore with my dad and instead of pay the price for a book I would just sit down in the store and read it right there, while on car rides as a kid I use to use the car behind's headlights to light the pages when it got dark, but when I sit down like this to write my fingers want to type so fast to get out everything in my mind....and that is when I misspell things, or I totally leave words off. So with all that said, PLEASE forgive me if I don't make sense at first:).

Brent and my recovery took a turn the other night, and we are struggling to hold our head above the water. As i sat in church this morning I thought about how we as humans LOVE to normalize (bring your struggle/sin down to a level, where you can classify it as normal) our marriage issues....It's so easy to want to run from where Brent and I are heading and say right now it would be easier to just stick my head in the sand and say we are like every other marriage out there, so why achieve better? I know God has so much for Brent and I, and I want NOTHING less! I won't let myself settle, Brent and I have reached a place where we do not have one secret from each other (past or present)....and I LOVE IT! I love using what I have learned about him to understand his feelings whether they are of pain, guilt, shame, and joy.
I'm not going to lie, This is tough, where we are at right now is painful. Just when I began to think it can't hurt more....It does. All I can do is cling to the most gracious God and ask myself if I really believe He is sovereign....because if He is, then the battle has already been won, and I can truly have the peace that passes all understand that is described in Philippians.
I hope this blog helps some of you who are going through different types of trials and heartache know that you are not alone. I have been encouraged by so many Godly women, and I really hope I can pass that on to someone.

gnight!

counseling

Brent and I have been doing couple's counseling since around August. I think a lot of people avoid it because they think it says "Major Problems" to others.....I really think it just says "we don't want normal". the couple we walk with are Amazing! you can check out their website here
they have so much knowledge on marriage going through all kinds of issues.
Counseling is so freeing though, I have learned so much about myself and why I do the crazy things I do. Brent and I have had to dig deeper into some mess to start coming out on the other side. I wouldn't trade those times, because at the end of the day I want to know his heart. I want to know what makes him who he is.