Depth of Vision

Do you ever get those revealing thoughts that help you understand the way you tick?
I have them every now and then, they are "ah ha" moments. Like when you have spent years wondering why you do something the way you do it, and it takes a few seconds of brain wave for you to see?

I had one of those today...

I have always had insecurities when it comes to my creativity, who doesn't right?
I went to a prominent Christian College majoring in Graphic Design along with some big name people now...Some working for Relevant magazine and others producing films. I mean what's to be insecure about right, lol! I'm a mom of 3 (soon to be 4) kids. I went to class that last semester with a baby due two days after my last exam. (Every time I raised my hand in class, everybody would first respond with "are you in labor?!") I walked across the platform to receive my diploma with a 5 month old baby in the crowd....okay so my career didn't turn out like I originally thought, but my passion is still art and design. I wouldn't trade being a mother for the world, but I still have my days when I wander, "would I have been good enough?" and even more recently, "am i good enough". I pick and choose through projects that people need when I have time, but find myself not taking a lot of risks. I have never really been a risk taker, but in this particular area I always ask myself what was it that defined me about this? what opinions or situation made me feel this way about my talent?

I AM however very analytical, so I do love to trace things back, most the times over thinking them until I can pin point the exact time I was put down or "failed"

This is what I came up with:

when I was in College I had to accumulate intern hours,so I found a local production company and asked if they would allow me to work for them for the semester.
I did design this logo, they loved it.
They sent me another logo to work on, and we emailed back and forth about trying to get it just right. I was getting tired of all the "petty" (I felt they were) changes and I know they were getting tired of not being able to communicate exactly what they wanted, but he finally just said, "HEY, I"LL JUST SIGN OFF ON ALL YOU HOURS"
wow, I'm realizing that hurt.....It translated to me, "your not good enough, and we don't have the time to teach you".

Now I do believe every artist is very insecure and I think so because the ideas are so vast, there is no way to pin point what it is exactly. Everybody sees beauty as different, but there will always feel like there is someone better or that you can ALWAYS do better.
One of my favorite professors always reminded that the Bible tells us that we were created in the image of God, and either we believe it or we don't. God is the ULTIMATE creator, nobody knows color like he does. So wouldn't that mean there is a desire to create and admire our creation that comes only from Him?
That craving I get to come up with an idea, create it, and then admire it is completely natural.
Many times on this road of "insecurities", I have asked myself "Do you just want to be an artist because you need to be good at SOMETHING?", "Are you trying to force a talent that is not there?", and I have told myself to quite trying, find something else that your good at....but I ALWAYS come back to this desire.

I feel a sense of accomplishment when I can pinpoint how I came to these, "truths about myself" because when I can call it out of the darkness into the light I am able to blow it out so to speak:)

I will take this thought and ask myself, Does God think I'm good enough? and does He have the power to give me creative ideas? and I believe YES is the right answer so I have to ask Him to tell my heart that I'm enough, just as I am.

This might seem like a stupid post to you, but I needed to share and to be vulnerable, because God gives Grace to the Humble...and who doesn't need grace.
My heart for this blog was to be real.

I do not believe my career ends here.
I have been designing all of my dad's sermon series development (logo, intro video, and stage set up) for about 4 years. They have been some of the best 4 years in my creative growth....My dad has not pressured me or tried to put my ideas in a box. He has let me take over using my expertise to learn how to be multi-dimensional, sometimes he does push because he knows I can do it.
I always thought this was a great career choice I was getting because I could do it from home, I did not know how much that would benefit me.

I am an artist, everyone is....I just need to have the confidence to understand that what I do may not be like anybody else, but it's me.

“The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.”- Helen Keller


gnight,
Abbs*