Depth of Vision

Do you ever get those revealing thoughts that help you understand the way you tick?
I have them every now and then, they are "ah ha" moments. Like when you have spent years wondering why you do something the way you do it, and it takes a few seconds of brain wave for you to see?

I had one of those today...

I have always had insecurities when it comes to my creativity, who doesn't right?
I went to a prominent Christian College majoring in Graphic Design along with some big name people now...Some working for Relevant magazine and others producing films. I mean what's to be insecure about right, lol! I'm a mom of 3 (soon to be 4) kids. I went to class that last semester with a baby due two days after my last exam. (Every time I raised my hand in class, everybody would first respond with "are you in labor?!") I walked across the platform to receive my diploma with a 5 month old baby in the crowd....okay so my career didn't turn out like I originally thought, but my passion is still art and design. I wouldn't trade being a mother for the world, but I still have my days when I wander, "would I have been good enough?" and even more recently, "am i good enough". I pick and choose through projects that people need when I have time, but find myself not taking a lot of risks. I have never really been a risk taker, but in this particular area I always ask myself what was it that defined me about this? what opinions or situation made me feel this way about my talent?

I AM however very analytical, so I do love to trace things back, most the times over thinking them until I can pin point the exact time I was put down or "failed"

This is what I came up with:

when I was in College I had to accumulate intern hours,so I found a local production company and asked if they would allow me to work for them for the semester.
I did design this logo, they loved it.
They sent me another logo to work on, and we emailed back and forth about trying to get it just right. I was getting tired of all the "petty" (I felt they were) changes and I know they were getting tired of not being able to communicate exactly what they wanted, but he finally just said, "HEY, I"LL JUST SIGN OFF ON ALL YOU HOURS"
wow, I'm realizing that hurt.....It translated to me, "your not good enough, and we don't have the time to teach you".

Now I do believe every artist is very insecure and I think so because the ideas are so vast, there is no way to pin point what it is exactly. Everybody sees beauty as different, but there will always feel like there is someone better or that you can ALWAYS do better.
One of my favorite professors always reminded that the Bible tells us that we were created in the image of God, and either we believe it or we don't. God is the ULTIMATE creator, nobody knows color like he does. So wouldn't that mean there is a desire to create and admire our creation that comes only from Him?
That craving I get to come up with an idea, create it, and then admire it is completely natural.
Many times on this road of "insecurities", I have asked myself "Do you just want to be an artist because you need to be good at SOMETHING?", "Are you trying to force a talent that is not there?", and I have told myself to quite trying, find something else that your good at....but I ALWAYS come back to this desire.

I feel a sense of accomplishment when I can pinpoint how I came to these, "truths about myself" because when I can call it out of the darkness into the light I am able to blow it out so to speak:)

I will take this thought and ask myself, Does God think I'm good enough? and does He have the power to give me creative ideas? and I believe YES is the right answer so I have to ask Him to tell my heart that I'm enough, just as I am.

This might seem like a stupid post to you, but I needed to share and to be vulnerable, because God gives Grace to the Humble...and who doesn't need grace.
My heart for this blog was to be real.

I do not believe my career ends here.
I have been designing all of my dad's sermon series development (logo, intro video, and stage set up) for about 4 years. They have been some of the best 4 years in my creative growth....My dad has not pressured me or tried to put my ideas in a box. He has let me take over using my expertise to learn how to be multi-dimensional, sometimes he does push because he knows I can do it.
I always thought this was a great career choice I was getting because I could do it from home, I did not know how much that would benefit me.

I am an artist, everyone is....I just need to have the confidence to understand that what I do may not be like anybody else, but it's me.

“The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.”- Helen Keller


gnight,
Abbs*

A Blessed 3 years

Eli turned 3 on Saturday, crazy that he is already 3! Brent and I decided that he would enjoy going to pick out his present at walmart and then going and getting some ice cream would be fun. Despite his constant concern about what Cole needed and why he wasn't with us, he had a blast!

We put his carseat in the car to keep from taking the swagger wagon with one kid...He looked so big getting ready to go:)

From Drop Box

Brent and I followed him around walmart while he rode a little bike and picked out the PERFECT gift...Brent and I looked at each other and were shocked at how easy things like that are with one kid, I felt so lost without my other babies.
by the way I would like to remind you guys that last week I spent $20 picking and freezing strawberries only to go to Coldstone and pay $4 for a strawberry smoothie...RIDICULOUS I know!

From Drop Box

It was pretty good, but next time I'll just get the blender out at home, mkay

So on Sunday we had a little party with the kids in his class at church at my parents house...My dad is SO talented, he has created this whole little beach feel with a sand pit that the boys LOVE! So I made him his very own sand cake, complete with legos

From Drop Box

He was so excited about it

From Drop Box

We had a great night and it ended with us having to throw all the kids in bathtubs and t-shirts before heading home! You know you created one great party when the kids are all crying to not leave...Just sayin.

From Drop Box

Next up...Daddy's 30th and Gage's 1st! Party never ends over here...

Hope you all had a great weekend,
Abbs*

Mother's Day 2011

I married this man on June 24th, 2005 I was 21, he was 24:) In Fairhope, Alabama at The Grand Hotel.

If you had told me that only 9 months later I was going to be pregnant with our 1st, I would have though you were crazy....we hadn't really even talked about kids.
There is nothing like that first pregnancy, you have no clue what to expect and everything is SOO scary.

things flew from there...we went from a family of 3

when Cole was only 8 months old I found out i was pregnant with Eli...so we went from a family of 3 to a family of 4 on May 14, 2008

then when Eli turned 2 that summer we had Gage-man.... from a family of 4 to a family of 5!!

I have Never been more happier, I couldn't have written a better story....God is amazing at taking control and making your story just the way He wants it, I hope through our story we can bring so much glory to Him.

Also what would Mother's day be if I didn't tell you how AMAZING and pretty special I think my own mother is! My mother is the picture of Grace, Humility, Love...She made our home growing up such a safe place...and She even home schooled us for 4 years (that takes dedication for a mother). She is my best friend, and I hope that when my boys are grown they look at me the way I look at her.
Her and Cole

Her and Eli

Her and gage

She has been there with me for all the "stuff" in life, and I know she will continue to be there...
Love you Mom!

Happy Mothers Day to all the moms out there!!

Abbs*

Awkward moments

How do you show your anger? I'm curious to know...

I started this Blog for a silly reason, but Love writing now!
I feel as though most of my life I have been put in a mold...
Abby she is so SWEET, Doesn't have a mean bone in her body. Therefore I feel like "MOST" of my life people have translated that to "you can walk over her, she can't be offended, she has no opinion, will ALWAYS be loyal."
While I get that those aren't all that bad of qualities, I felt like it emotionally raped me at times... (it means that someone goes in and tells me how I should feel at a situation).

back to how we express anger...
At our group last night I got angry/offended at something someone said, and started crying when I start to tell them I am angry.
I cry hot tears when I'm angry, I hate that about me.....WHY can't I just calmly tell you that you pissed me off?? And I had the floor for about 20 minutes, all eyes on me as I cry and look down...I have never wanted out of somewhere so bad! If I could have just got up and gone home and not looked bad I SO would have.
I got a lot of pats on the back and "I'm so sorry your hurting" on the way out....as I though about it on the way home I really don't think I'm hurting, I just am so terrible at telling someone that I'm upset with them. The more I cry because I'm mad the more mad(at myself) I get that I can't stop crying and it is a downward snowball....
I know when I feel like that, what I need is not one more hug, but to go sit somewhere and talk to my God about it. He is the best at shedding light on my true feeling in a situation.

They would prob say that the comment sent me to a bad place, took me back somewhere that hurt in my past.....but I'm not sure I think that happened here. I think I was overcome with pride and ANGRY that the comment that was made (I thought, we are all good now) to make me feel stupid....Did it make me feel stupid?? Maybe, but I really think I'm to prideful for it to make me feel stupid, I was mad that I felt like someone's intentions were to make me feel stupid...I don't know, I thought about it on my way home, talked to Brent about it on my way home, and talked to God about it later.

I'm usually pretty good at pin-pointing my feelings on something...I have conversations with myself A LOT! lol...I'm Crazy.

This is me showing you that I am {this} far from cracking up:)

So this blog was a "heads up" if you will that Abby is breaking the mold and working on becoming the bold person that Christ intended for me, BUT that doesn't do me any good if I don't act like that in person, If I still hide my true feelings when I talk to you face to face. SO I guess last nights group was a painful reminder that I'm not there yet. plain and simple. But I'm going to pick myself up, dust off the pride and continue to stumble toward the TRUTH that He who began a good work in me WILL complete it.

Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (NIV)

Abbs*

April 27th, 2011

I don't watch much news, but a call from my dad at 5:30 that morning told me that this was going to be a serious day...I pulled my babies in the bed downstairs and waited for what was to be 4 Tornadoes barreling down our Interstate, a few LONG minutes later, with the green light and sleepy eyed we crawled back up the stairs to start what would be a horrible day for our neighbors. We spent the day at my parents house waiting for updates on the storm from a little radio and no power.

I really didn't take things serious until our news told us an f5 Tornado had just ripped through Tuscaloosa and was headed our way and would be here in 30 minutes.
We headed downstairs thinking that it was just a normal tornado drill in April.
Nobody expected it to be like this...

to see more pictures, go here.

These pictures were taken not more than 15 minutes from my house...So Sad. So many people have lost everything. With the death tole around 200 right now it's sure to get higher as they dig through the rubble...people need so much help now.
I don't know how or why this storm that was on the ground for a record amount of time decided to raise up and weaken when it was over us, but I praise God for it.

I got the call that our church was collecting some things and I was running around the house trying to collect whatever I could, tired of Cole asking for the millionth time what we were doing....I just respond with a real quick "Going to Save people", The heart of a child is SO precious! I found Cole in his room a few minutes later looking frantically through his room, I asked him what he was doing and he said, "looking for his superhero cape, to go save people".
If you are looking for ways you can help go to this website.

Most of all PLEASE continue to pray for the people of these communities that have lost loved ones.

In awe of the One who calms the storms.

Abbs

Counseling workshop

I remember when Brent and I first started to go to counseling for some problems we had, I walked into the office thinking....when we get Brent fixed, we will be set. (I know ARROGANT, right? Don't Judge) It took a couple of sessions for me to see my crap, but when I did....WOW let's just say I was a little depressed and sad for the days following. Don't ask God to show you your heart unless you are ready, I felt so evil and realized I had so many problems, my heart can be so wicked without the presence of the Holy Spirit. I have learned to take every thought captive, no matter how small it seems and ask myself why I feel that way, and is it going to lead to a path of destruction or the ME God created me to be? Paul tells us to do that in 1 Corinthians 10:5, and I think it works great in EVERYTHING from Gossip to Lust.
We have been meeting with this couple weekly since August and as of January we meet with 4 couples weekly to share life together and our struggles. It has been the best thing for us...a lifeline, if you will:)

They have helped me to see so much of myself, and how my reactions can make or break a situation. I have learned to Love, encourage, and respect even when I don't feel like it. I have applied so much of this information into motherhood, and I try so hard to make sure my boys know that their emotions and feelings are valid no matter how silly they sound to me.

We have the opportunity this week to go to a couple's intensive...we are heading out Thursday night to head up to a camp where we will spend the weekend with about 5 couples I have never met, sharing ourselves, and encouraging one another....I am excited about meeting couples who want to be honest and transparent with themselves, but I ABSOLUTELY hate spontaneous things, not knowing what to expect....I'm picturing relay races, and stupid "get to know you" games, WEIRD!? I know I'm twisted in the head...I know it will probably be awesome, and Brent and I will come back closer than we are now, but DANG...I wish I knew these people already! Living life outside my comfort zone is the best thing for me, but I have to fight the urge to dig my heels and and go kicking and screaming...LOL I know I'm silly!

anywho, at least the sack races might be fun, or the sword drills...JK
Well I've rambled enough...
by the way Gage had his first peep...STICKY fingers!

From Drop Box

Enjoy your weekend
Abbs*

The Prodigal

Our Church is in the middle of a Grace series. We started it Easter Sunday titled, "God's not mad at you"...I'm on staff at our Church (Creative Arts Director) and we have been planning the details for weeks now! The main focus on Sunday was the story of the Prodigal. I LOVE that story, and every time I hear it I forget how beautiful it is.
What a way for God to express how much He desires us, than to show the UNCONDITIONAL love a Father has for a son.
Luke 15:11-32, If you have never read it, I encourage you to go read it NOW...

One thing that I have always read to quickly was the part in the story where the reconciliation takes place. In Verse 20, "But when he was still a long way off, the father saw him and had compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him".
The Father had compassion for the son even though he practically spat in his face...
I have the problem of thinking that I'm really loving because I didn't hold a grudge or have no problem forgiving someone, but If I were to see them in public it would be a "wait and see how they react first" situation...that is not what Jesus taught at all.

The son could have been coming back to ask for more money, or even to kill his father...but it didn't matter the Father's love was constant. God's love is CONSTANT....no matter what you do or don't do he Loves you passionately. More passionately than you have ever felt, heard, or read about...His love will take your breath away. We think that if we do things good God is happy with us, and if we do something bad God is mad at us....His love covers a multitude of sin and he spread them as far as the east is to the west. The Bible says He remembers them no more.
WOW, How incredible is He? Don't get in the performance rut of judging yourself by what you do or don't do on your checklist...just seek Him with all your heart and there you will find Him. I love knowing that his blessings are constantly being poured out on me, and knowing that He is always in control.
If you need to hear a message that is soothing to the soul, check it out by going here.

now..a few Easter pics

we are missing mom, dad, Jackson, and Gage....Do you love the way I threw my kids off on my younger brother and his wife? They look good with kids don't they? I think it's time you two!! My older Brother and his wife are the ones with Precious sweet Harper Kate (If you don't know her story, PLEASE go here.)

From Drop Box

Gage can have some stare downs..If he is not in the mood to smile, he WILL not.

From Drop Box

I'm blessed to be surrounded with 4 good-looking guys!

From Easter Pics

From Easter Pics

From Easter Pics

and for those of you who do not know what slack lines are (I didn't know until my cousin started hooking them between two trees...

From Drop Box

And that was our day on Sunday....Mom, dad, and Jackson- you should've got there quicker for the photos...REDO!

Have a great Tuesday!

*Abbs*

I've been a pastor's kid since as long as I can remember.
I don't know how to NOT talk about church, NOT take it personal when people screw you behind your back, and how to NOT get passionate about the excitement of new people come and pain of people going.

I wish I didn't get SO involved, but it's part of me. In my college days @ Liberty, I jumped around from church to church not even being noticed, those were my bitter days though (my home church had just been ripped apart at the core).
I have a hard time trusting people based on how much they love me (or how much I love them), because when my childhood church fell apart I watched people that I thought were going to be there until the end walk away with hateful comments. My dad started that church from the an old Dance studio that loaned it to us...It was my family. At home we talked about our family and that church in the same sentence, HOW do you just walk away from that and not still have some shrapnel left in your heart.

I'm use to people saying, "we just feel that it is time to move on" or "God is moving us somewhere else"...I really prob could make a comedy show about all the things people say when they leave a church except the TRUTH. MAYBE that is the truth for some but their are others who say those things and then turn away from me in the grocery store. They think they have given you an answer that will pacify you, but in reality they don't fool anyone.

How do you not get too attached, but still passionately LOVE those that God brings through the doors...there has to be balance somewhere. I still haven't figured this one out.

I just don't know how to Quit on a church, I don't know how to be picky with certain areas enough to say "that's it, I'm done".

Sorry I got all serious on you!
These are just things I ponder when I get discouraged or hurt over someone bailing on something good.

I usually have my pity party and then turn back to God's unfailing embrace to hear those sweet words, "I've got this, just trust me".
HE is the ONLY thing you can count on and you can always count on him to Love you in the midst of your shit crap (sorry I needed to get your attention)...seriously if you didn't read anything else PLEASE understand that you do not have to clean yourself up before running to Him. That is the gospel! God's story of the prodigal was meant for you and me.
God was perfect, therefor you do not have to be.

A piece of my dysfunctional self, my gift to you...

Carry on.

Abbs*

Embrace the Camera thursday!

I'm choosing to embrace the camera and give my boys pictures to look back on!

you can read more about this pledge here, where Ashley from Under The Sycamore, talks about Aleida's challenge.

I really do want to be better about getting pictures WITH the boys not just of them.
Sometimes that is hard because I'm caught between "Where did I see the camera last?!" to "Brent's home, have I brushed my teeth yet today?!"...wait, what?! (did she just say that??) yes I did, and lets be honest, sometimes I hide in the kitchen so that I don't have to share that last piece of chocolate!! There....Now you're probably thinking what a great role model she is...But I know deep down you are prob *sighing* with relief to know that YOU are not alone! Ha!
And now I lied because this post says Thursday when in fact it is now Friday...oh well. Did I slide in by the skin of my teeth or what??

Abbs*

Finding yourself in the Gospel

I recently stumbled across this blog, and couldn't help but absorb these little truths he has come across...

"Jesus plus nothing equals everything–the gospel– is daily becoming for me more than a theological passion, more than a cognitive reality. It’s becoming my functional lifeline! And it’s this rediscovery of the gospel’s power that is enabling me to see that,

Because Jesus was strong for me, I am free to be weak;

Because Jesus won for me, I am free to lose;

Because Jesus was Someone, I am free to be no one;

Because Jesus was extraordinary, I am free to be ordinary;

Because Jesus succeeded for me, I am free to fail."


Don't we try so hard in our life to matter? we want people to want a relationship with us. This to me was so freeing to know that I am simply FREE to just LOVE.
I watched this video by Pink. I have always really liked her, I think it comes from the obvious conclusion that she really doesn't care what anybody thinks about her.
This video caught my attention because it captures how blinded we are to the mold that we are placed under to be perfect, and have the right hair, clothes, or even ideas. My heart goes out to the girl in the video because more times than I want to think I can relate with her. I was that girl, that felt on the outside hoping someone would notice me. I grew up feeling like girls hated me and guys saw me as only a sister. Now walking recovery beside my husband I see that I just needed to find the beauty inside me that God called me to. I get excited at the end of this video when she decides she isn't playing the game anymore.
(Disclaimer: sorry for the F word, I couldn't get it to not show up on the screen, It's not in the song though:)

The ME I want to be

I have never in my life been so aware of God's Goodness, as I am right now.
He has taken my life in so many different directions (many of which I didn't like) and given me peace to be calm in the midst of some storms. I'm so in Love with him right now that at any moment the spirit just brings me to complete tears. Seriously I was driving the other day and I was so overwhelmed by His love that I was couldn't stop the tears.
This is a book I'm currently reading, by John Ortberg.

This has been good for me and I'm not even halfway through with it.

My whole life I have been pretty introverted, so much that people sometimes believe I don't have much of an opinion and that I can be walked on however you please. One thing that is huge among Codependents is that I always hated conflict and would go to great lengths to keep the peace at all costs. I am learning in my recovery that my feelings, thoughts and opinions are valid. There is a way to express them in a loving but firm way. I am also realizing that it is okay to have a difference in opinions with someone and still Love them deeply. I am gaining a voice in ME. It is easy to tell your self that keeping the peace is the nice way, Jesus was Nice......Jesus was NOT nice, he was lovingly bold, and he stood for his beliefs.
I'm hoping that God will really work in me this year in becoming a very peaceful, controlled, bold(only in Him) ME.....
There is freedom in deciding that you don't want to be anything but YOU.
God is taking my family and I through some tough times that I really don't like, but I am trying so hard to hold onto Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Love you guys!

Self Recovery

Since sometime around august I would say I've been in recovery for codependency. Brent and I have been seeing a couple weekly to help us learn more about ourselves.
Most people would say they aren't codependent, but I think we suppress our true feelings so often that we don't even realize how unhappy we are and how freeing it can be to be able to take control of your feelings and learn to say NO.
Codependency is the need to help someone, basically your addicted to feeling needed.
Some people tend to think this is an excuse to be selfish.....but it's not. Co dependence is a disease of reversed focus-it is about focusing outside of ourselves for self-definition and self-worth. We should be focused on God for our self worth, not people. I'm learning to set boundaries in my life.

This is a great book to learn what Codependency is:

and this book is great for understanding how to break free from it.

About the book:
Christians focus so much on being loving and unselfish that they forget their own limits and limitations. When confronted with their lack of boundaries, they ask: Can I set limits and still be a loving person? What are legitimate boundaries? What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy or money? Aren't boundaries selfish? Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?

I have become so sick of the hearing the term codependent, but that doesn't change the fact that the problem is real and rampant among relationships and marriages.
It's more about learning to undersrtand Gods best for you as a person.

One of the blogs I follow (here) is great for this recovery, check it out if you think you might struggle with this.

Abby

Angel Baby

My Niece has arrived.....well almost 2 weeks ago (pretty slow at this blog thing).
She is still in NICU, but doing better every day!

Harper Kate is absolutely GORGEOUS! a brief history on her story....
When my SIL was about 10 weeks pregnant they told her that where the brain should be there was only liquid, they said she would prob never be much more than a vegetable if she even made it to delivery. They told her they would see her again in 3 weeks, to further diagnose the situation and if things weren't better they would need to decide if they wanted to abort or continue with the pregnancy.
Well let me tell you this little girl has been out to prove those doctor's wrong since. Many Godly Woman in our church, whom I believe truly hear from God in dreams.. had Told us that they kept dreaming of a little girl in a white dress.
well 4 weeks later we were told it was a little girl and the new diagnosis was not encephalasil, but now hydrocephalus (which is survivable)....it has gone from that to a dandy walker cyst (which isn't typically even a cause of death). She arrived 3 weeks early, and as of right now she is doing good. She is in need of an oxygen tube because of her developing lungs, but other than that she doesn't really have many urgent medical needs....They are still saying she might have some developmental delays, but they don't realize how far we come and that we know our God can take care of that too! she is my boys 1st cousin and we couldn't be more thrilled at how precious she is and look forward to the future beach trips....
I will try much harder to keep updating this blog!

humbled by The Great Physician,

Time out

I think moms need a time out too.....you know that feeling where you have had it with picking up toys, breaking up fights, and being spit up on. I love my boys, but sometimes I feel like I have entered survival mode, and I seriously need me time.....so that is why I'm going to blog. This is my way of thinking out my thoughts and feelings with out ambushing my husband when he comes home. 2 toddlers and a baby will do that to you.

this blog is going to be a way for me to journal my thoughts, after all it is therapy.